Cake thoughts.

 Thoughts, randomly created by our brain can either make us happy or sad or angry or disappointed or inspired. I wish we can always choose the good things over weird and negative ones. I have always love to sit at one corner and watch. What can I do to make the situation better? I see people disappointing their love ones by words and gestures. It hurts, I wish I could amend the face expressions of disappointments and embarrassment. Why do we tend to hurt people that we love when they are hoping for something from us? Especially when we know well that we can afford to fulfil them? 

I see a lot of new things lately. Peoples expressing their random thoughts, sometimes hurtful, sometimes impressive, at times they become so complicated. It makes me happy seeing joy and laughter being portrayed in so many ways. Especially the obvious one. So keep on affecting people with those good vibes, it’s amazing!

Let’s be happier and wonderful.

Draf lama.

Baru sekejap tadi aku buka bahagian draf blog. Eh banyak betul draf terpendam seawal tahun 2009. Bila aku buka satu per satu, aku macam terkesima dengan cara penulisan sendiri. Kemudian aku terfikir, betul ke itu semua pendapat dan cara penulisan aku? Sudahlah draf-draf itu panjang-panjang isinya. Bukan draf bodoh-bodoh je aku tengok. Aku terfikir lagi, kenapa tidak aku post kan saja draf lama itu semua? Pelik.

Sekarang aku fikir lagi. Eh, banyak betul pendapat aku dari dulu? Ada pula idea nya? Bila orang paksa tulis buku, bukan main pemalas aku nak fikir. Rasa serabut kena suruh, mungkin. Mudah menyampah lah kut? Haha!

Harini aku rasa macam masak nasi pun nampak lawa. Jadi aku snap letak sini. Lol.

menung.

Untuk orang yang suka termenung macam aku, benda kecil pun nampak penting dimata sendiri. Contoh semut bawa lari cebisan kecil mi segera aku untuk dibawa kesarang. Misi tersebut adalah penting untuk aku pastikan keduanya sampai ke destinasi (aku nak tahu dekat mana sarang hang!). Dengan semut mana ia nak sampai kan berita, laluan mana jadi pilihan ia, halangan apa ia kena rintangi, aku akan perhatikan seperti itu adalah pengembaraan sendiri.

Berbaring ditanah beralaskan tikar atau groundsheet membuatkan aku lagi excited sebab lebih banyak benda aku boleh menungkan. Kadang ada semut kecil, semut besar, lebah, kelulut, ulat, kekatu, cacing (kalau tangan gatal nak korek tanah), cendawan kerdil dan rumput.

Dalam fikiran entah apa yang ada. Kadang kosong, kadang ada isi. Kalau balik kampung, petang-petang pergi tengok burung seorang diri dekat belakang rumah nun gigih berjalan sampai ke tali air. Redah katak-katak melompat. Tengok matahari terbenam dan belek pokok-pokok. 

Ah rupanya aku suka menyendiri.

Baru perasan, eh? 

Perkara

Semakin dewasa, semakin aku menjadi manusia yang sukakan benda simple. Yang tak sukakan serabut bandar, lebih sukakan alam yang lebih mendamaikan, sangat nyaman dalam circle yang sangat kecil, cukup suka buat perkara yang aku minat bersendirian dan tak suka mengambil tahu terlalu banyak tentang perkara yang tiada kena mengena dengan aku (yang ini memang sejak dulu lagi. Tak sukakan drama walaupun aku yang selalu mulakan drama lain. Hurm!). 

Ada terlalu banyak perkara dalam kepala aku yang sentiasa overthinking ni untuk disingkirkan. Dalam masa yang sama,  aku sibuk mencari skil baru dalam hidup. Minat aku memang sentiasa berubah sebab aku jenisnya manusia yang cepat bosan. Selalu sekerat jalan bila rasa dah mula reti dalam sesuatu yang aku minat tapi bersungguh-sungguh untuk memahami dan mencuba dari mula. Mungkin untuk sibukkan kan kepala sendiri supaya aku fokus pada satu benda sahaja.

Hobi aku dari dulu yang paling ketara ialah observe bermacam-macam hal. Manusia, binatang, laut, bulan bintang matahari, atau apa-apa perkara random. Duduk disuatu sudut dan perhati. Tapi benda ni buat secara tak sedar kadang-kadang. Lepas dah observe, aku analisis benda ni boleh apply atau tidak dalam hidup aku. Nak judge orang aku tak pandai tapi aku mudah faham maksud tersirat atau bahasa basa basi. Dan alhamdulillah, sekarang aku dah tak berfikir atu main game dalam tidur. LOL

Semakin meningkat usia, semakin aku tak peduli apa kata orang. Tipulah kalau langsung tak peduli, cuma sekurang-kurangnya aku anggap aku hidup bukan untuk favor sesiapa. Kau suka, sukalah. Kalau tak suka, kau punya pasal lah. Asalkan aku tak kacau hidup kau secara sengaja sudahlah. Kalau ada benda yang aku boleh pesan pada diri sendiri dizaman remaja dulu, aku akan suruh aku yang muda tu untuk tak kisahkan cakap orang. Ini kan hidup kau sendiri, kau tentukan. Kalau nasihat tak apa, tapi ambil yang positif saja lah. Sebab kisahkan sangat cakap orang, hati sendiri asyik susah.

Ok dah, bye.

Aku nak pergi cari makan.

hurtful things.

Ada benda kadang buat aku rasa marah dan terasa lalu aku bertindak sedikit kasar tanpa sedar. Tapi benda itu perlahan lahan menjauhkan diri dari aku. Aku sedar dan aku nampak apa yang berlaku. Perkara tersebut buat aku tersentak dan berfikir sejenak. Aku jadi marah dengan diri sendiri sebab tak berfikir sebelum berkata. Dalam otak sibuk berperang dua watak dengan penuh emosi. Hati jadi panas.

Tapi cepat-cepat aku pergi masuk dalam air yang sejuk dan tinggi. Aku rasa ego tapi tak mahu berlarutan. Dah tenang sedikit, aku pergi minta maaf dan salam. Tiba-tiba aku ditarik dan dipeluk kuat-kuat dan kena smackdown laju-laju. Masih kaget, aku terus tersedar bahawa itu tanda marah yang sangat sayang untuk aku. Aku menangis tak henti dibahu sahabat tadi. Dalam 2-3 minit juga. Aku tak pasti kenapa tapi airmata tak mahu berhenti keluar jadi pelukan tadi tak mahu aku leraikan. Berkali sahabat tadi tanya sama ada aku okay. Aku geleng sambil jawab, tak. Aku sambung menangis.

Ah rupanya aku terlalu rindu pada sahabat yang seorang ini. Sahabat yang selalu menasihati, yang selalu jawab telefon sekali sekala aku telefon bertanya khabar, yang sabar dengan aku. Yang sudah lama tidak aku bersua muka. Aku sengaja cari pasal. Maafkan aku. Aku lega sebab aku sedar dengan cepat. 

Reasonable

Why do we think too much about what people always think of us. Does that means that our happiness only rely on their perspectives? When we do something that we like / love and people constantly criticizing us for not being able to do it the way they always do it, what do we do? 

So what if I do things a little different? So what if I want  to choose something else? So what if I love what people don't? I might also hate what they choose too but I can just keep quiet about it, can't I? 

rindu.

Rindu yang paling sakit adalah rindu yang paling jauh yang takkan pernah aku jumpa lagi. Rindu yang paling parah yang amat sedih. Rindu yang paling menyeksa jiwa bilamana aku dengar suara nya berlegar-legar dalam kepala, percakapannya yang amat jelas, gelak tawanya, gurau sendanya, cuma beza kini dia tak ada lagi didepan mata. Rindu ini yang teramat sangat hingga aku tak mampu lelapkan mata dan tiba-tiba menangis ditengah malam buta.

Rindu yang paling sakit adalah ketika aku pergi kerumah dia dan aku tak mampu menyapanya lagi. Apatah lagi untuk mendengar dia menjemput aku masuk sambil bertanyakan khabarku. Rindu ini amat sakit sebab tiba-tiba ia menyerang diwaktu yang tak aku jangka.

Rindu ini apa ubatnya? Aku tak tahu. Mungkin dengan berdoa untuk dia? Sebab kalau aku terus menangis sahaja, dia tetap semakin jauh dari aku.

Tapi ya, aku makin rindu. Aku masih rindu. Tapi aku dah hilang dia. Semua orang sudah kehilangan dia. Ya, semua.

Rindu adalah amat menyakitkan. Terutama bila aku sedar kini yang aku sangat menyayangi dia. Dan terlalu banyak rupanya yang aku perhatikan dia tanpa sedar dan banyak aku ingat tentang dia sejak dulu. Terima kasih ajarkan aku bermacam perkara. Dan disebabkan itu, aku sangat merindui semuanya.

Tak pasti kalau kita akan bertemu lagi diakhirat sana tapi aku doakan semuanya baik-baik untuk dia sekarang. Sungguh, aku teramat sayangkan dia. 

Sounds.

I love the sound of crickets. Most of the time, that is the only sound i could hear in the middle of most nights since I am such “an owl” until now. I often pay attention to most sounds around me. Sometimes it could be an invincible sound since I am such an over-thinker. Well that depends. Crickets’ sound always reminds me of Tokwan’s house. When we slept there last time (when tok & tokwan were alive), it was the only fond sound that I could remember the most. Tok will lit up a tall kerosene lamps and placed it on floor in the middle of the hall. She then burned the tip of a mosquito coil and placed it beside our sleeping mat. Before turning off the main lamp, we will hang mosquito net around so that no one will get bitten. And the rest of the night was just the sound of crickets - singing.

Other than that, I love the sound of fire burning dry leaves and twigs. The small fire popping sound once in a while makes me feel like I was a kid again. Oh I love playing with fire or anything related to fire. The flames, the embers, the heat, i just adore them all. When we went back to Tokwan’s house, my sister (sometimes my cousins) and I often swept almost all of the dry leaves and twigs and small branches. The sole purpose of this “hardworking act” was just to play with fire without being scolded by those adults. Lol. Of course it worked every single time. Even when we went back to Nenek’s house, my late grandfather always swept dry leaves too around the graveyard. Yes, the house is just beside an old graveyard. Again, a chance to play with fire that we could never say no to. Haha.

Another sound that I love is the sound of the beach waves and the breeze. When I was doing my degree, my place was not far from the beach. So almost every week, a quick trip there was a must. Sometimes during weekends, my friends and I went to the neighbouring state to enjoy another beach sounds with different views. Even growing up, my parents always took us to the beach. Abah will dive in shallow area and my siblings and I will sit on his back. He can really hold his breath for quite some time. And then mak will feed us with whatever food she prepared for our picnic. I miss those since i couldn’t even remember when was the last time we went picnic by the beach together. 

So yeah, sounds always make me think of some specific situations. Those were just some of the examples that I could think of now.

Do you often relate your memories with sounds?

Ramadhan & Eid

 It has been so long since i last look forward for Eid. Growing up, our Eid were always surrounded by a lot of dad’s and mom’s siblings and our cousins. Not to forget, their parents too. A very big family, i can say. Ever since I started to work, things changed a lot. Work life took a lot of my common sense and happiness. Eid was no longer fun. Relatives started to ask too many random sensitive questions too. Nahh.. Of course none of them were fancied. 

We just lost so much sparks as we grow older, don’t we? Every time during ramadhan, abah always bought those fancy raya lights to hang in front of our house. I always thought that it was a very sweet gesture of him. It made us excited and can’t wait to celebrate Eid together. While mak, she baked raya cookies with us. It was so much fun back then. Those fork prints on cornflakes cookies, those homemade pineapple jam distinctive smell perfuming every inch of our house, those round cookies with a piece of cherry on top, i can still smell and imagine those moments with mak and my siblings. 

And then we went back to Nenek’s house, i can still see her in my mind - cooking rendang Negeri Sembilan using her big kuali. My siblings, cousins and I will always look forward to play outside on the night before raya. Firecrackers? Those were supplied to us by abah and pokde.  Lol. It was loud with our laughs and firecrackers sound, combined. How i miss those things so much.

If it was Tokwan’s house turn, i always saw him did his Takbir Raya in front of his TV, in his living room. This will happen specifically during the night before Eid. And then on Eid’s morning, we gathered together in the house’s middle part (don’t know what people call this space as) and Tokwan recited Eid’s prayer. We then ate together and then Tok served raya cookies in her talam filled accordingly in each plate. Kids started to come to collect raya money. Relatives started to visit. Those were the days when i really enjoyed Eid and i don’t even remember exactly when did i last felt that way.   

So last 3 days, i went back to my hometown. My siblings were also back and it felt so complete again. My sister and I played some firecrackers in front of our home. I miss that moment a lot. I miss being kids with her. I miss everything! I really hope that we can celebrate Eid together this year like we used to. Abah and mak, i know that they are so happy seeing us three. Their faces glow and smiles are always on their face these few days. They must be really missing us and it must feel so fast seeing us as grown ups suddenly. And yes, I really look forward for Eid this year. I hope abah and mak will always be protected and in a pink of health everyday.

    

Can we celebrate Eid happily again?

Boxes

I am very sure that we all have our own things to get, keep or delete from our life. There are too much boxes in my mind’s storage. Boxes of trash, boxes of regrets, boxes of memories, boxes of happy things, boxes of crazy feelings, and boxes of random thoughts.

I remember a friend told me a few years ago. Out of all of the boxes, there will be a box from the past that you have been keeping for so long but it needs to stay somewhere and cannot be touched. This box can pollute me to mixed feelings of the past. Even just an inch of opening can distract so many things already. From the day i heard that, this piece of statement really stick and keeps on lingering around my head. 

One day, I somehow tried to open this one particular “I'm-not-supposed-to-freaking-open” kind of box. Apparently, I saw a dozen of little boxes in different colors being kept inside. Some of them are just empty and some them only have grey dust inside. I wasn’t sure if I ever burn the memories inside before or if I purposely kept some empty boxes too to confuse myself in the future. 

But then i realise, perhaps some things inside were just my mixed confusions and i probably had thrown some of them to another box of crazy feelings and box of regrets. I guess i always open the big box from time to time and sorted them according to my current thoughts and feelings. I just didn’t really realise it. So now, most of the little boxes are empty and it makes me forget things. Not sure if that is a good thing but I’m glad i do not have to remember it anymore.

I guess, it is true that time heals but only because we choose to accept the situation and then we forget them. And because of that, we can finally move on with something else in our life. Something new, something more important, well basically something else. 

I think I’m going to bury that one box deep, this time around.

Now, should I get another new box?