Ramadhan & Eid

 It has been so long since i last look forward for Eid. Growing up, our Eid were always surrounded by a lot of dad’s and mom’s siblings and our cousins. Not to forget, their parents too. A very big family, i can say. Ever since I started to work, things changed a lot. Work life took a lot of my common sense and happiness. Eid was no longer fun. Relatives started to ask too many random sensitive questions too. Nahh.. Of course none of them were fancied. 

We just lost so much sparks as we grow older, don’t we? Every time during ramadhan, abah always bought those fancy raya lights to hang in front of our house. I always thought that it was a very sweet gesture of him. It made us excited and can’t wait to celebrate Eid together. While mak, she baked raya cookies with us. It was so much fun back then. Those fork prints on cornflakes cookies, those homemade pineapple jam distinctive smell perfuming every inch of our house, those round cookies with a piece of cherry on top, i can still smell and imagine those moments with mak and my siblings. 

And then we went back to Nenek’s house, i can still see her in my mind - cooking rendang Negeri Sembilan using her big kuali. My siblings, cousins and I will always look forward to play outside on the night before raya. Firecrackers? Those were supplied to us by abah and pokde.  Lol. It was loud with our laughs and firecrackers sound, combined. How i miss those things so much.

If it was Tokwan’s house turn, i always saw him did his Takbir Raya in front of his TV, in his living room. This will happen specifically during the night before Eid. And then on Eid’s morning, we gathered together in the house’s middle part (don’t know what people call this space as) and Tokwan recited Eid’s prayer. We then ate together and then Tok served raya cookies in her talam filled accordingly in each plate. Kids started to come to collect raya money. Relatives started to visit. Those were the days when i really enjoyed Eid and i don’t even remember exactly when did i last felt that way.   

So last 3 days, i went back to my hometown. My siblings were also back and it felt so complete again. My sister and I played some firecrackers in front of our home. I miss that moment a lot. I miss being kids with her. I miss everything! I really hope that we can celebrate Eid together this year like we used to. Abah and mak, i know that they are so happy seeing us three. Their faces glow and smiles are always on their face these few days. They must be really missing us and it must feel so fast seeing us as grown ups suddenly. And yes, I really look forward for Eid this year. I hope abah and mak will always be protected and in a pink of health everyday.

    

Can we celebrate Eid happily again?

Boxes

I am very sure that we all have our own things to get, keep or delete from our life. There are too much boxes in my mind’s storage. Boxes of trash, boxes of regrets, boxes of memories, boxes of happy things, boxes of crazy feelings, and boxes of random thoughts.

I remember a friend told me a few years ago. Out of all of the boxes, there will be a box from the past that you have been keeping for so long but it needs to stay somewhere and cannot be touched. This box can pollute me to mixed feelings of the past. Even just an inch of opening can distract so many things already. From the day i heard that, this piece of statement really stick and keeps on lingering around my head. 

One day, I somehow tried to open this one particular “I'm-not-supposed-to-freaking-open” kind of box. Apparently, I saw a dozen of little boxes in different colors being kept inside. Some of them are just empty and some them only have grey dust inside. I wasn’t sure if I ever burn the memories inside before or if I purposely kept some empty boxes too to confuse myself in the future. 

But then i realise, perhaps some things inside were just my mixed confusions and i probably had thrown some of them to another box of crazy feelings and box of regrets. I guess i always open the big box from time to time and sorted them according to my current thoughts and feelings. I just didn’t really realise it. So now, most of the little boxes are empty and it makes me forget things. Not sure if that is a good thing but I’m glad i do not have to remember it anymore.

I guess, it is true that time heals but only because we choose to accept the situation and then we forget them. And because of that, we can finally move on with something else in our life. Something new, something more important, well basically something else. 

I think I’m going to bury that one box deep, this time around.

Now, should I get another new box? 

2022

Masa terlalu pantas berlalu sejak 2020. Tak sempat nak mengejar rentak peredaran masa yang kian menjauh. Banyak perkara yang aku rasa bagai mimpi dan tiba-tiba hilang dalam masa  5 saat. Ya, macam mimpi kau pagi-pagi lah sekejap sahaja sudah terpadam dari memori. Aku rasa macam nak mula ber-vlogging pula tapi belum jumpa kekuatan nak beri komitmen untuk edit. Lagipula, macam lah kehidupan aku ni menarik sangat. LOL. 

Sejak kebelakangan ni, aku macam tak suka beli makanan luar. Lebih suka masak sendiri walaupun simple tapi aku yakin bersih. Paranoid betul aku rasa kadang-kadang. Ah bulan puasa pun dah makin dekat jadi aku rasa masa akan terasa lapang sikit lah sebab masak sekali saja sehari. 

Hari kau bagaimana ? Ok, bukannya kau boleh jawab pun sebab komen aku tutup. Haha padan muka. 

problem.

I figured a problem. 

I refused to sleep early every single night! Like I'll make myself available to any random things as long as it doesn't involves sleeping early. 

When i felt sleepy early, I just ignored the sign and then straight away got up from the bed. Like whattt..? 

Gosh what is wrong with me??

Sigh. 

imaginative damage.

It's raining here today. Finally, after a month. Been driving here and there and my mind still travels to every random destination occasionally. Energy consuming and it's draining me. 

I went to tajwid class last night after so long. Wow, i certainly forgot a lot of things already. But it's never too late, right? When was the last time i learned about it? Primary school? Also, i felt terrible for scribbling on the Yasin book with tajwid notes, which was not even mine. I forgot. T_T

When i got home afterwards, i imagined myself being alive on my very last night. What if i don't wake up tomorrow? Then i got goosebumps and imagined myself being in my own grave. I was scared to sleep last night. I couldn't sleep properly and so sleepy this morning. Haihh.. 

simply simple.

I saw a striking yellow dragonfly today for the very first time in my life. It looks like a bee breed but from different species. I was flabbergasted and excited in the same time. 

Then i realized, maybe i was looking for something different all these while. And God, He is the greatest planner after all. I found some ways this week and i guess, going out to a place I've never been to really open up my mind. Seeing new people open up so much of new opportunities. 

I guess I was taught differently. 

What was i up to before? 

What was I looking for? 

Would it be too much if i want something more than what people wants me to be or get? 

f.

I lost my temper easily lately.

I simply hate everything that bothers my feelings. I'll get annoyed instantly when people ignored me. F to everything. F everybody. 

mind games.

I often relate disappointment and sadness with so many random things. Sometimes it was just over silly events that happened unexpectedly. I have come to realized about my ability to play the mind puzzles while sleeping and it was seriously exhausting. I cannot take control over this tedious and complex thinking.

For instance, i play games in my sleep. The same game that i play during the day such as Sudoku or Bubbles Shooting. I cannot comprehend this act and i definitely do not approve it. I realized that i was playing these games in my mind and subconsciously made myself aware that i was sleeping. Urghh.. Why?

Sometimes i had a conversation with myself while sleeping. I play with my thoughts and disagree with my previous actions for the day when my brain was just screaming to rest. How can i think and sleep at the same time? Does that mean that i was thinking too much and constantly arguing with myself silently? My husband said i was having a conversation with a customer while sleeping last time. He thought i was talking on the phone in the middle of the night with some random people. Imagine yourself trying to solve a problem in the dark, in the middle of the night, while sleeping, and your voice is loud as if you are talking to someone. Creepy. At least for the other person. 

I'm having a hard time to sleep early. 

I guess i am constantly thinking. So tiring. Sigh. 

Weird Much.

Aku mimpi pelik sangat tadi. Ada dua buah rumah ni rasa pelik bila lalu depan rumah tu. Bila baca ayat-ayat depan rumah 1st, ada respond dari seorang budak lelaki. Small boy. Macam kena sampuk. Aku teruskan baca sampai lah budak tu nampak neutral semula. Mungkin syaitan tu dah berjaya keluar. Tapi tiba-tiba budak tadi bertukar jadi kucing belang kelabu dan keluar melalui lubang pagar grill dengan selamba. Sangat aneh.

Kemudian aku pergi ke rumah kedua. Sebelah rumah pertama tadi. Cuma tak sempat keluarkan apa-apa sebab dah terjaga kena jerit dengan kucing sendiri didunia nyata. 😑

Tapi sempat tengok patung depan rumah tu bergerak respon bila aku baca ayat-ayat. Macam patung haiwan warna putih. Dia bergetar hanya bila aku baca bismillah.

Sekarang aku rasa blur dan pelik. 

Terus terfikir jika 

ada sesuatu yang berlaku dengan aku. Mungkin sebab tu kucing aku asyik datang kejut aku pagi-pagi sampai aku bangun kebelakangan ni. Bising mengiau bila datang dekat aku. Elok je aku bangun, dia pun tidur dengan aman. Hurm... Scary. Mula-mula kisah kuburan, sekarang ini pula. 

Kuburan.

Aku tak tahu kenapa sejak beberapa bulan ni kerap betul mimpi kawasan tanah perkuburan. Okay, gambaran dia macam ni hampir setiap kali.

Akan ada satu kawasan tanah perkuburan yang sangat besar. Ditengah-tengah akan ada satu jalan kecil cukup-cukup untuk sebuah kereta lalu dalam satu masa. Tak boleh bertembung lawan arah. Jadi dalam setiap mimpi ni aku terpaksa lalu di jalan tengah tu naik kereta atau motor atau basikal. Paling baru ni aku kena lalu dengan kereta tapi kawasan dia paling besar dan luas kiri kanan. Ada laut air biru berdekatan. Ya Allah perasaan tu tak boleh gambarkan berdegup jantung rasa nak luruh. Tak tahu kenapa tapi takut yang teramat sangat aku rasa setiap kali. Ada juga yang aku terpaksa lalu dua tiga kali sebab tertinggal sesuatu. Aku tak ingat apa yang aku tinggal sampai kena berpatah balik. 

Petanda apakah?

Adakah penunjuk yang aku sebenarnya tertinggal amalan ke alam yang lagi satu?

Seram sejuk membayangkan sebab imej mimpi-mimpi tu masih dalam ingatan.